An Idiot's and Grasshead's Guide to Girls
by RosieShiba
Summary: Paul is fed up of being asked for advice so writes a book for Ash and Drew. Launching my contest! Check inside for details!


**Finally managed to write this in time! Ta-dah! **

**I'm launching my contest for this year: RosieShiba's Could-Be-Annual Original Contest! Yay! It starts from now until the 31st of December so why not have a go. The rules are simple. It's a one-shot between 750-6000 words with an original idea behind it. It has to have a pairing in it (of any kind) but has to be a Pokémon story!**

**PM me if you enter. **

**Also if you want to write poetry you can do. Check out my profile for full rules and information :)**

**An Idiot's and Grasshead's Guide to Girls**

**1. Never promise things you can't keep. Even if you promise to go out in a rain storm to get a girly magazine because she can't get out of the house. **

There was no instruction manual to go with girls, Paul thought as he walked along the deserted Veilstone high street with his head down. It was raining heavily and with the current cold spell, the rain was almost painful as it hit his face. Typically he had forgotten his umbrella or a decent coat with a hood so he was quickly becoming soaked through to the bone.

What if girls did have an instruction manual? That would be too easy for the men then but wasn't it easier to know than to annoy and upset? Paul sighed. He wasn't much of a philosopher when it came to life or women. All he really longed for was a nice peaceful day without someone harassing him for advice.

If people were straight with each other then they wouldn't complain about each other or come to him for advice. Yes, they came to him for advice! Why? He had no idea. Apparently he had good insight into people even though he had never displayed the talent for it to anyone. Maybe they asked him because he was an honest person. No matter how harsh the truth, Paul would say it anyway. Bluntness was his second name. Scrap that, it was his third name after Eugene. Arceus he hated his parents. Paul Eugene Shinji. What a name. Thankfully no one knew about the second name so he was safe.

**2. All information you give them will be used against you eventually. All information you hold back from them will also be used against you but ten times worse. Be honest. It's better that way.**

Paul jumped a mile as a car whisked past him, spraying the contents of a rather large puddle over him. Anger instantly rose in his head and before he knew it he had turned round to face the car.

"HEY!" he yelled, "Watch where you're driving moron!"

**3. Make her laugh every chance you can. Not that you'll find that difficult, morons.**

"You're wet." It was a statement coming from behind him. Paul sighed and turned round to look at his blue haired girlfriend. She was biting her lip mostly because she found Paul being soaked hilarious but didn't want to upset him any more than he was. Paul stuck his hands in his pockets.

"I had noticed," he replied, "What are you doing out in this weather?"

"Oh, Ash upset May and now Misty and I are trying to find her," Dawn explained sounding rather annoyed. Paul raised an eyebrow at her.

**4. Never joke about a girl's feelings. They will kill you or worse, make you feel guilty. The guilt never ends.**

"That's odd," Paul told her, "I was ambushed by Drew about ten minutes ago."

"Really?" Dawn asked suspiciously, "What did he want?"

Paul thought for a moment as he remembered exactly what Drew had asked him in the newsagents.

"_When you know you like a girl, how do you stop being mean to her long enough to tell her you like her?"_

**5. Never tell them they're being silly, even if you have absolutely no clue why they're upset/angry. If you do, I doubt anyone will ever see you again.**

"He likes someone," Paul replied, "Who he is mean to all the time."

"Really?" Dawn said, stepping closer to her boyfriend, "Did he say who?"

"No," Paul said, "He didn't mention names."

"What did you tell him?" Dawn asked, genuinely curious about the conversation.

**6. There are no secrets between you two, mostly because she will beat them out of you eventually, especially Misty.**

_Paul stared at Drew like he was the biggest idiot on the planet. In other words, Paul looked at Drew like he had suddenly turned into Ash. Drew's determined expression seemed to deflect the sarcastic look Paul was giving him. Finally Paul caved. This was one staring contest he couldn't win. He placed a magazine back on the shelf and sighed._

"_Bite your tongue or something," Paul replied, "And if you can't do that write a soppy poem or something."_

"_A poem, that's an excellent idea," Drew said happily. Paul rolled his eyes at the grass haired boy. "How did you tell Dawn?"_

"_I told her I liked her," Paul told Drew, "And that I'd like to take her out sometime if she was alright with it."_

**7. She's the best thing that will ever happen to you. That's what Reggie tells me anyway…**

"_Man are you brave," Drew laughed, "Weren't you scared of her rejecting you?"_

"_No," Paul replied honestly, "If she did then I would have been alright with it. At least she knew how I felt."_

_Drew frowned at Paul for a few seconds. Slowly the green haired boy patted Paul on the shoulder and grinned._

"_You have much to learn, Paul," he said._

**8. Be brave. **

"Says him," Dawn deadpanned once Paul finished telling her the conversation. Paul smirked at her reaction. She slipped her arm through Paul's and began to drag him back towards the newsagents where he had seen Drew. Paul didn't complain, figuring he had just been recruited in the search for May.

They looked round the busy shopping area of the city slowly, making sure they had checked every part for her. Paul happened to glance over to his right. He stopped and pointed over to a noodle restaurant with a scowl on his face. Dawn peered round him to see what he was pointing at. She blanched comically.

**9. Know everything you can about her. Take an interest in what she likes. It pays off for Birthdays and Christmas otherwise you're screwed.**

"Why didn't I think of that?" she muttered to herself. She sighed as she pulled a smirking Paul towards the restaurant. Paul stood by the door as his girlfriend rushed over to her friend who was half hidden by a pile of noodle bowls. While the two girls talked to each other (rather loudly, Paul noted), he leant against the door with his arms folded. As he stood waiting a thought occurred to him. There should be an instruction manual for boys on how to treat girls. A dark smile crawled onto his face as he decided that he should be the one to write it. Then he would never be bugged by Drew or Ash ever again. This had to be one of his best ideas ever.

**10. Tell her you love her at least once a week. Make her believe you do. However, full orchestral symphonies outside her bedroom window will only get you arrested for disturbing the peace.**

"This is a book?" Ash asked as Paul handed him a thin A5 printed book. Paul ignored the question and handed an identical one to Drew. The two boys looked at the book in a confused manner for a while until they looked up at Paul.

"What is it?" Drew asked.

"It's a book," Paul replied, "Use it and stop bothering me."

**11. You are idiots. Deal with it.**

With that, Paul turned round and walked away from his friends leaving them stood beside each other holding their books close to their bodies. Slowly Drew and Ash looked down at the front cover of the book. It read: "An Idiot's and Grasshead's Guide to Girls".

"Should we be offended?" Drew asked Ash.

"Which one's which?" Ash asked. Drew sighed.

**12. Stop bothering me!**

**Now I can back to work on my other fics. I look forwards to seeing what people write! Good luck!**

**RSx**


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